


Hanging on after the end

by Lilith888



Series: All the times they should have kissed [8]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Book 2 : Wayward Son, M/M, POV Penelope Bunce, POV Simon Snow, POV Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 21:08:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28749753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilith888/pseuds/Lilith888
Summary: “This is what happens if you try to hang on after the end. When your time has come and passed. When you’ve done the thing you were meant to do.The theatre goes dark, the pages go blank.”Wayward Son, Epilogue
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: All the times they should have kissed [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1973710
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	1. This is what happens

** POV SIMON **

“I won’t let you do it”.

I stand from the couch, well, I simply raise my head, the rest of my body is fine where it is “What?”.

“I won’t let you do this”.

Penny is looking worried between me and Baz. They are studying like always, while I am, well, pouting at myself, at my life. “Do what, Baz?”.

“Don’t you dare to answer me like that, you know what I am talking about!”.

Now I am annoyed, at least as much as he is “Where is this coming from?”. Why can’t he just let me be?

“Guys, maybe we should calm down. Anyone wants a cup of tea?”.

“Bunce, out”.

“Hey, this is my apartment!”.

“Yeah, you can’t cast her out” I argue. I don’t want to, but I don’t want to stay here alone with him either. He is getting kind of scary and I haven’t been alone with him for a long time.

“Believe me Bunce, you don’t want to see what is about to happen”.

Baz never stops looking at me with anger and resolution. I am still laying on the couch, my head resting on my hand. But now I feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. I always feel like this, but usually it’s because of myself and my life, not because of Baz. He is always so understandable and never pushes me. I guess something has changed. “Nothing is about to happen; you can stay Penelope” I sit and put a pillow between me and my boyfriend. My very angry and intimidating vampire boyfriend.

“Bunce” Baz never stops looking at me, not even when with a flick of his wand he opens the apartment’s door “out”.

Penelope looks like she wants to argue again but instead she gets up, take his stuff and looks at us one more time “I’ll be in the library, text me when you are done”. She is speaking to Baz, who simply nods.

“Done with what? Penny where are you going?” but she closes the door behind her without looking back.

“Now it’s time for us to talk” and he approaches, sitting next to me on the couch.

“There is nothing to talk about” I don’t dare looking at him, because of course, there is a lot to talk about like why he hasn’t left me? Why is he still spending his time here? What does he want?

** POV BAZ **

“What are you doing?”.

“What are YOU doing?” he  retorts .

“I have no intention of letting you go on like this”.

“I have no idea of what you are talking about”.

He is not looking at me, he is watching and tormenting his hands in his lap because he knows exactly what I am talking about. But this time I have no intention of letting this go “You can’t go on like this” and before he manages to reply I add “I can’t go on like this” and finally he looks at me.

“Are you breaking up with me?”.

“Is it what you want?” and fuck he is thinking about it. He is actually pondering on it.

“That’s not the point. It’s you...” he stutters “It’s you who is yelling at me”.

“I’m not breaking up with you. If you want me to leave, you’ll have to do it” and this somehow breaks through him.

He finally looks at me while saying “Why should I break up with you? I am the problem, not you”.

“Fuck Snow” I know I should be somehow relieved that he is finally speaking but hearing him talking like this is infuriating and also depressing “You are not a problem”.

“I am useless. I am not” he takes a deep, trembling breath and all I want to do is hug him, but he hasn’t let me in the last couple of months “I am not even a mage anymore”.

“I don’t care if you no longer have your magic”.

“But I do”.

“Then what? Are you going to stay there and do nothing?”.

“What can I do? I was nothing before and I am nothing now”.

And now I am angry. I was already angry before, but seeing him so... defeated made me lower my guard for a moment, until this. How dares he say he is nothing when he is almost everything to me? Almost just because I have my family, but he is everything else. He is the reason I am alive, the reason I am starting to accept that I am a vampire, the reason I have faith in the future. But it’s a future where he is next to me, otherwise I am not really interested in it. And he is throwing everything away, and I won’t let him. But the second I take his arm to get him up from this fucking couch I realise I don’t have a plan. What am I going to do with him?


	2. If you try to hang on after the end

** POV SIMON **

What is he going to do with me? To me? I am not scared, not of him hurting me with his vampire’s strength at least. I am more torned between the fear of being left and the pain of being a constant disappointment to him. One or the other, I still lose. He stops when I am standing next to him, his hand on my arm, strongly holding me, never hurting. I don’t dare looking at him so, I fix my eyes on his fingers. Long, elegant fingers. He hasn’t touched me for a long time with them, and the fault is only mine.

“What do you want Simon” and here we are. The impossible question and my name on his lips. My anxiety needs much less to overwhelm me, but if you feed her so well, she can give you the full show. At first, his words start rumbling in my ears, louder and louder. I can still see Baz, hear his voice, feel his hand, but everything is so clouded I could pretend he is not here at all. And yet, the only reason I am still standing is his hold on me. But I am not sure it’s a good thing. My breath begins to become shallow; I lower my gaze because I can’t watch him anymore so, I try to focus on my arm, on his hand on my arm. It should be grounding, right? Well, wrong. I only realise that I’m seeing all black, before...

“SIMON” it’s Baz, he is shouting, calling my name. I try to talk but it’s like I’m drowning, no strength, no air, no light. I am trying to put my head between my knees, it’s not the best solution and it’s very humiliating, but it’s all I can think of now. But Baz isn’t letting me go and I keep drowning. When a strong hand pulls me up and I finally found myself curled up.

“Breath, please, breath” it should be easy. Something about the position is wrong, this thought and the oxygen reaching my brain again calm me down a little. Until I realise where I am.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

There is a hand under my legs, keeping me curled up against a strong chest. Gentle and yet firm fingers are behind my back, holding me and stroking the skin between my wings. I wait for the next wave of panic, but it doesn’t come. My breath takes the rhythm of his, my blood gathers all where his body is holding mine, getting away from my sight and my hearing, giving me some clarity. Which I don’t know if it’s a good thing.

** POV BAZ **

He is breathing normally again. He scared the fuck out of me but I know I need to be calm right now. Holding him like this seems to help, he is not pushing me away or fighting it. I slowly take a step toward the couch. He whimpers, burying his face in my shirt. His hands are lying motionless in his lap. This is so fucked up.

“Are you better?” I try to whisper, but he stiffens. He tries to get down but he uses so little strength he barely moves in my grip. “I’m going to sit on the couch” I do it and when he tries again to leave my embrace I add “I don’t want you to move, please”.

This position is more comfortable for the both of us. I hold him a little stronger and he drapes himself over me, his hands finally regaining life and grasping my shirt.

“I’m sorry” he whispers against my chest.

“Don’t be”.

“I’m a mess”.

“We all are” and I know it’s a pitiful answer, but I don’t have anything better for him. I had no idea he was struggling this much. So, I start caressing his back and wings. I keep repeating myself to be gentle and slow.

“Why are you so... kind?”.

Because I love you. But I can’t say it, not now “Because I care about you, and I caused this”.

“It’s not your fault”.

“Of course, it is” we stay in silence a little “Are you better now? I don’t want you to move, just asking”.

“I think I am” he moves a little but only to look at me “Thank you”.

“For causing you a panic attack?”.

“For stopping it”.

I snort “I’m sorry Simon, I shouldn’t have pushed you”.

“I think I needed it”. This surprises me and he must read it on my face “I feel... better now. And I like being here” he blushes and it’s adorable.

“I like it too” and then I should stop but I can’t help myself “but I would like to have the chance to hold you without having to cause you a panic attack”. He looks at me and blushes more and all I want to do is kiss him and hold him tighter. But I am also afraid I shouldn’t have said it because he looks like a trapped animal. Until he nods. One simple nod. I hug him, making his head rest against my chest “Now get some rest”. 

** POV PENELOPE **

I am opening my apartment’s door, mentally rehearsing my speech. No one texted me. It’s been 2 hours and no texted me! I was left with no news, unable to focus on nothing but my  half-eaten nails. I am worried and angry and I have no idea what to expect when I enter the living room.

Certainly not Simon in Baz’s lap. They are both sleeping. Simon is holding himself on Baz shirt. Baz is holding Simon like he is afraid he could disappear. And maybe he is not totally wrong. I have seen him fading over the last couple of months, unable to do anything. A part of me still wants to yell at them for forgetting about me, the other takes a blanket to drape it on them. 


End file.
